October 28, 2015 2:01 PM EDT
Admit it. Somewhere, deep down, you are ready for another round. Sure, the first two Republican debates were hard. But the liquor helped. And the worst parts—well, you don’t remember those anyway.
So here we go again. Ten candidates on a similar stage with entirely novel legal and recreational ways of blotting out the pain, if you live in a state like Colorado. CNBC and the Republican National Committee have chosen Boulder for the third Republican Presidential debate. It’s a bit like Democrats holding a debate in Oklahoma City. We strive, because we can, America.
Before the fun, the disclaimer: Do not play this game. It is meant to be read, not followed. If you adhere to these instructions, you will be ill. If you follow them in states that do not allow legal use of marijuana, you could go to jail. Never drive after imbibing, and don’t partake if you are underage. The science says pot really does mess with your brain, kids. Be careful.
The debate will start at at 8 p.m. Eastern time. CNBC is not allowing any legal streaming of the debate this time, so you probably have to watch with your parents. Cable subscribers only.
And, we’re off:
Pack the first bowl with sativa if the debate begins with substance—something about Iran, carried interest or the GDP. If the moderators just try to pick a fight between Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, or between Donald Trump and Ben Carson, opt for indica. Like all games, this one is ultimately about self-preservation.Pop a $600 bottle of Champagne if Mike Huckabee compares Washington, D.C., to a strip club. Burn another one down if he says he will burn it all down.Open the Chardonnay the first time Donald Trump insults the appearance of one of his fellow candidates. Swig each time a candidate fires back at Trump with a prepared one-liner. Swig twice if the one-liner references Trumps’ bankruptcies, his marriages or his recent dip in the polls.Shoot Kentucky bourbon and shout “dumbass” at your television, if anyone asks Rand Paul if he is still running for president. Then get over it, just like he told you to.Pack your bowl with a plant containing 4% or greater THC content when Jeb Bush promises 4% economic growth for the country. Smoke when the moderator points out that Bush only achieved 4% growth in Florida as governor because of a housing bubble that popped as he left office. Hold it in your lungs until Bush pushes back, saying this is about vision and experience.For the entire discussion of health care economics, suck on a lozenge, preferably one high in CBD, or cannabidiol, like the sugar-free mixed berry from Mountain High Suckers in Denver.Stare blankly at the screen if anyone argues that Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi testimony revealed anything new.Shoot something—anything really, just do it fast—if Carly Fiorina begins to describe any new videos she has seen recently. Again, self-preservation.Spill your drink if anyone says, “Oops.”If Ben Carson refers to any fast-food joint as an “organization” as in “Popeye’s organization,” consume an entire glass or aluminum container of a Budweiser beverage, or three.Cut your next spliff with organic tobacco, because this is Colorado, if Bush starts using words like “joy,” “miserable” or “demonize.” Time to slow down.Drink imported beer whenever someone makes a Hitler metaphor. As bad as Hitler metaphors are, they are certainly better than not being able to make Hitler metaphors. Remember, that is your consolation.Drink a domestic beer, preferably something sleeved in a koozy that reads “MAN SAUCE,” if Marco Rubio makes reference to professional football, his fantasy pick or how he used to play in college.Sip tequila and sangria if Rubio or Bush praise speaking Spanish. Chug the whole bottle of tequila if John Kasich and Bush look at each other and get the giggles.Dab some tincture on your tongue if Chris Christie says again that marijuana is a gateway drug. Chase it with vodka.Swear it all off forever if anyone mentions Lamar Odom or a Kardashian. Drugs and drink can kill you. They do every day.Take a drink or toke for each of the following:
High fivesLow fivesFist bumpsMentions of emailUse of the word “worst” in a sentence about President Obama“No fly zone”Someone says they will cut Medicare or Social SecuritySomeone says they will never cut Medicare of Social SecurityAny John Denver referenceAnyone attacks the pressAnyone name-drops their campaign website URLBoasting about personal gun ownershipAnyone defends eating meatAnyone dances like DrakeAny praise for Paul RyanWith additional silly ideas from others in the TIME D.C. Bureau.
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